Cape Crusader

THE CAPE CRUSADER issue 1: “The Beginning’

So here’s the low down, and before you read my trip hasn’t even been half as exciting as Rob’s Singaporean stories so far. Stop reading now if you want tales of sordid adventures with petit Asian women and FHM models. It ain’t no Casino Royale out here yet! When I arrived I had no idea what to expect, my guide was next to useless and only really covered the basics. Thanks for the guide Al but it was only useful as a map, I have no idea how the AA can produce a guide on the whole of SA with only 62 pages? In hindsight it wasn’t the best example of forward planning. My first night was spent in a Hostel recovering from my sleepless flights and nursing some rather sore arms and legs. On Monday I’d been to my doctor to get the necessary injections only to find he wanted to give me one in each arm, each leg and my bum. Great! I thought to myself. Economy class isn’t the most comfortable way to travel and certainly not when you have to sit on a tetanus jab for close to 24hrs. I now have a very good idea how painful piles must be. I stopped over in Doha, Qatar for about 2hrs waiting for my connecting flight. Although I only saw the terminal it did start to make me think that a visit to the Middle East should be on the cards at some point. Ok, can anyone explain why now when you want to smoke in an airport you’re forced into an animal pen with a herd of smokers within which you all clamber for a breathe of fresh air. My eyes have never watered so much. I’m sure it breaches human rights or something (Rob, let me know about that one).

When I arrived I caught a cab from the airport with a young Dutch girl. No I didn’t jump her and no I didn’t regale stories of going green in Amsterdam. Petra was about my age and needed to go to the Tourist Office, sounded like a good idea considering I hadn’t a clue what I was doing. Surprisingly African roads are a lot less hectic than you would expect, every car has about ten black passengers or one white man and there are some really decrepit motors that look like they belong in the Flintstones. Dupai the driver even let us off 15R because we didn’t have the right change. That really does highlight how laid-back things are out here. On my first night I stayed in a Hostel called the Castle Backpackers that was run by a Kiwi called Jeff. Ok word of warning, some people who have lived here for a long time are a little paranoid, Jeff was one of those. “Don’t go out alone, don’t carry anything valuable on you in fact a loin cloth will do, ah f**k it, don’t leave the hostel: drink my free coffee all day, much safer.” Whatever? He was a little over the top, sure you need to be savvy and security conscious but not to the extent that it inhibits what you want to do. Basically I’m not your ideal candidate for a mugging, I don’t smell of expensive aftershave, wear a Rolex, drive a Mercedes or look like I’m absolutely pimping it. Every night you can here the expensive screech of another BMW being ragged around the city streets after some South African stopped at a set of lights and refused to have his window screen washed, more fool him, even if I was on a push bike I’d have my sunnies washed for fear of loosing my life over 20p? Needless to say I changed hostels and opted for something a little more laid back. I found a place called the Cat and Moose and for the price of a Mars Bar booked into the bridal sweet. Yesterday I went for a run that turned into a Herculean feat of endurance. 2 inches on the map does not represent two miles? More like 7, I was truly buggered by the end. It was about 35C and I could feel my shoes melting on the pavement. I ran to a place called Camps Bay that is the surf spot in Cape Town. Very uber cool and a little pretentious, I fitted right in but found the place a little too much like a European beach resort? Asides from the fact I’d felt my heart burst and my lungs explode on the way I still found time to marvel at the amazing breaks. Think I’ll definitely have to give surfing a go at some point.

I’ve met some really cool people at the C&M, a doped up couple from Georgia US called Dave and Maria and a guy from Nashville Tennessee who has the most incredible American drool I’ve ever encountered. There’s also a lovely married couple from Malaysia who cooked Fish for all of us on the Barbie last night. The husband Michael must have read every National Geographic in print because he has a near encyclopaedic knowledge of African ornithology and Safari animals, not bad for a chef. At points he’d lick his lips in glee when describing an animal, thankfully most are protected so there’s no chance of him putting any on the Barbie. Amazing tales where shared over dinner that really inspired me to head out to the Kruger National Park and see it all for myself. They all thing I’m some sort of trustifarian which makes me laugh. Paul the guy from Nashville things I’m loaded because I’m English? Work that one out? Today I went flat hunting; it’s a difficult process because so many areas are out of bounds for white people. Incredibly cheap, about £75 a month for a massive room, shared garden and pool. I wasn’t too impressed with what I saw because of the locations so the search continues. For the moment anyway I’m comfortable in the Hostel amongst my heart shaped pillows and pink sheets.

Last night I went to the bar where Dave and Maria work with Paul from Tennessee, so heavy, absolutely pissed out of my mind. I was drinking double rums for £1, met some cool people and had a bit of a boogy. I think I slightly over did the drink because I’ve got a serious case of the shakes this morning. I met this guy called Siad and his sister Sian from Durban, we ended up doing loads of tequila and dancing until 5 in the morning. It’s about 9 now and I’m still wankered. Ok, Cape Town has a disproportionate number of blondes, I did a head count last night and in my near vicinity there were 14 blondes. All the girls have blonde hair, either bleached by the sun or out of the bottle, ridiculous? If anyone has a fetish for blonde girls here’s your place. I hear the weather’s sh*t in the UK? Well, I think you all know that the summer truly ended when I left, if you didn’t think so before you definitely know it now! Seriously though, I’m missing you all so much. If you come and visit you’re guaranteed a good time. More news from SA in the next issue of ‘THE CAPE CRUSADER’

Peace and Love Everyone

posted by Cape Cornetto @ 10:45 AM