Cape Crusader

THE CAPE CRUSADER issue 2 “Onion Layers”

People, it’s been a while, hope you’re all fairing well? If your name’s Rob and you’re currently residing in a Jacuzzi with models pouring off your arms that give head on tap and basically, you’re living Chris Lo’s ultimate fantasy? I hope you catch syphilis, go mad and die!! Apparently Hitler and Robert Mugabe have more in common than a dodgy moustache?

I’m not too sure where to begin really, feels like ages since I wrote the first issue. I guess I should start somewhere near where I left off...

I moved out of the bridal sweet and into a house about 4 weeks ago. I now live in a suburb called Claremont that’s about 7km from the city centre and bought an old Raleigh bicycle with reverse braking that gets me into town in about 30mins. The public transport system in CT is hopeless, if you catch a train there’s fairly high odds you’ll be thrown out of a window, stabbed, shot or raped before you get to your destination. If you want to catch a bus it’s advised that you take a breakfast, lunch and dinner in Tupperware and plenty of water so you don’t get hungry or thirsty while you wait at the stop. With the choices diminished you’re basically left with catching minicabs AKA minibuses. Before the bicycle I was regularly taking the minicabs into town. From my house they can take anything from 40mins to 1½hrs to get to the city depending on how many people they stop to pick up. You never know who you’re going to meet in a minicab, only last week I was sat next this girl, she asked me what music I was listening too, then asked if I was married, had any children, if I had a girlfriend or wanted a girlfriend? She then stroked my chest hair through my open shirt and jumped out, strange or what? Maybe there’s some sort of mating ritual I’m unaware of or something? There are not many people who cycle in SA and as a consequence I get stared at a lot, especially because I’m riding a dilapidated bicycle that came straight out of the 30’s and I’m a white guy. It’s definitely a subject of amusement for my flatmates who both own cars. The other day I was with a friend Veda, we had just walked to my local bar about 5mins away when she turned round to me and proclaimed that that was the furthest she’d walking since she started driving? Charlie and Brons are the same – they drive across the road to our local shop! No wonder SA has one of the highest carbon dioxide emission levels in the world. They’re lazy in other ways as well. Since I started living with Brons and Charlie neither had done any washing, ironing or dirty dishes and both appear completely incapable of looking after themselves. Instead they employ a maid called Muni to come once a week and do it all for them. Even she’s thinks I’m strange because I do everything myself – I also think she’s worried I’m after her job? There’s no doubt men are winning the battle of the sexes by a country mile in SA, metrosexuality is almost non-existent and mothers still nurse their sons until they’re married. Everyday Veda’s brother has his dinner cooked and delivered to his flat by their mum; he’s 29! It’s all a little beyond me. I mock, but really it’s all a bit of a laugh to be honest and truthfully I’m very thankful for finding a great place to live. I’ve got a garden and everything!

I’ve also had my first visitor from the UK. Sri came out about three weeks ago and stayed for ten days. I managed to borrow a car and we headed off to cape point. The Cape Peninsula AKA Cape of Good Hope is synonymous within shipping circles. In the days of sailing ships, clearing the Cape and its rocks was a dangerous business. Many ships have met a watery grave on the rocks of the cape. You can see seals, penguins and sharks in the shallows and on the rocky outcrops there are baboons and impala. We also found a fantastic beach that was virtually deserted. The novelty of constant hot weather was already beginning to ware thin for me but Sri was taking every opportunity she could to bronze herself so we stayed there for most of the afternoon. I think you can all find that understandable. After the weekend we hired a car and headed due east along the Garden Route that links CT with Port Elizabeth about 800km away. The scenery was fantastic. Our first stop was Hamanos. It is the Whaling Season between September and November. Every year they come to breed in the warmer waters of the Indian Ocean and at Hamanos you can see them about 50m out to sea. Due to the wind that day you couldn’t distinguish between a whale and wave for toffee. My we saw a lot of whales that day, thousands of them! It was all just too much excitement to handle so we went to the beach. We continued up the coastline to a place called Mossel Bay where we stayed for a few nights in a fantastic stone built lodge on a cliff face that had fantastic views down to the sea. The weather was very good so more time was spent at the beach. On our last day of the trip we went to a place called The Wilderness. This was the highlight of our travels, a huge 4km long stretch of deserted beach that has massive 15ft waves continually pounding the shoreline. More sunbathing and a 7hr drive back to CT and I was spent. I can’t get over how there’s so much fantastic coastline. Before Sri left there was an exceptionally clear day so we headed up Table Mountain to check out the views. For a while I almost had Sri convinced we could walk back down. Then I stopped a Frenchman and asked how steep the route was, he quite bluntly proclaimed, “if you wear those shoes I am almost certain you will break you ankles, fall off the mountain and die!” Encouraging stuff, cable car it is then? Sri: you were wonderful company and I enjoyed every moment of your stay, thanks for coming x – To all the rest of you so called friends – If my ex, who’d I’d like to bury a hatchet into can make the effort, what’s holding all the people I actually like up - sort it out!

I went to bar a few weeks back and met this really interesting guy called Mikallo. He’s a gospel house DJ and Evangelical preacher, an interesting combination that stimulated some very thought-provoking conversation. When we parted company he said a pray for me which involved a lot of shouting and violent swinging of the arms, considering it was in the middle of a packed bar I felt a little embarrassed. He’s obviously a very religious man so it was probably not the smartest idea to start talk about bestiality (Needless to say I was a bit pissed). I learnt two very fascinating pieces of South African trivia during that brief encounter. Firstly that South Africans identify each other within three distinctive racial groups. Obviously white and black but then also coloured. Coloureds are defined as anyone who’s not black and not white so that Chinese, Indian, Pakistani, Turkish etc... There is more racism between blacks and coloureds than any other combination because during apartheid they were both considered citizens of a lower class but the coloureds argued they were not black and should be able to share some of the privileges that were bestowed upon white people. In the post apartheid era the two groups are constantly battling over the reorganisation of land rites and the quota system because the reconfiguring of these systems only account for black South Africans, not coloureds. In post-apartheid South Africa coloureds get just as shit a deal as before apartheid. The second thing I learned from our conversation is why so many Black and Coloured South Africans don’t have any front teeth. In my ignorance I assumed they’d eaten too much sugar, not so, although anecdotally, if you order a cup of tea or coffee in SA it comes with two sugars as standard, you have ask if you want it without. Anyway, back to the real reason. Both men and women have their teeth knocked out so they can perform better oral sex. A husband will ask his virgin bride to knock her teeth out to not only signify that she is a married woman but also so she can give good head? When a man reaches puberty he will have his teeth removed for the same reason. They are called passion gaps. I tried not to laugh but found the fact I was talking about this with a preacher all very bizarre.

Since I arrived I’ve been out most nights and met a lot of cool people. They love a drink just as much as we do and are open to being educated about Rum. 7yr Havana Club: 70R a bottle, some may now understand what an effect I’m having out here. Consequently I’ve met a lot of people whose names I can’t remember. You’re definitely desirable to be what Afrikaans call a thoroughbred (An Englishman) and you have to be careful because they all want your babies. Again, anyone with a fetish for blonde would do very well for himself out here. There’s plenty of meat markets to shop in and an endless supply of prime cuts. Sorry for the crudeness ladies, it just has to be said.

I think that’s about all folks. I’m starting work on Tuesday so wish me luck. I miss you all.

posted by Cape Cornetto @ 10:53 AM